How to Motivate Teens While Homeschooling

Cindy was devastated when her daughter became unmotivated at age 14. Her daughter had always been a driven perfectionist. But suddenly her daughter was no longer interested in piano or flute, and didn't enjoy any activity. Cindy was worried about her uncharacteristic sitting around on the couch all day. Finally, her daughter picked up a guitar for the first time. A few months later, she was helping the worship leader at church. When I spoke to Cindy recently, she hardly remembered those difficult times.

Another client had a similar concern. She complained that all her son wanted to do was eat ice cream and play video games. I was consulting with her in her home and I met her son. It was the exact way she described; he had no interests but the couch and video games. The mom was beside herself. A few months later, I saw her again. Her son had completely turned the corner. She forced him to take a speech and debate class as part of his homeschool and he suddenly discovered politics and debate. Now he is going 100 percent full speed ahead.

I had problems with teen motivation, particularly with my oldest child. At that time, his love of chess made it seem like he was wasting his life and doing nothing. He was sitting on the couch reading books about chess and playing that crazy board game for hours on end. At the time, I thought I would go nuts. Now, of course, I realize he was working on his area of specialization. When he played chess, he was practicing critical thinking, planning, and problem solving, which directly correlated to his future career as a computer scientist and engineer, but at the time it was horrible for me.

Other moms have gone through this and survived. Knowing doesn't make it easier, but perhaps it can make it more tolerable. I can also offer some possible solutions. Take what will work for your family.

Assess the expectations you have in your homeschool. Sometimes when I consult with moms about this issue and talk to them at length, I find out that the child is overworked. If you are giving your child a classical education, particularly using a classical homeschool co-op, you may be at greater risk of having expectations that are too high. Regardless of your curriculum choice, look at the schoolwork you are expecting.

Is the level of work too high? Is the number of hours too great? How many hours would it take a normal child working at normal speed to get that amount of work done? How long would it take you to complete all the assignments, if you were doing them at a normal speed? Is your child expected to work longer at school than your spouse spends at work?

The opposite may also be true; your expectations may be too low. When teens are bored, it's hard to get them motivated to do anything. If your child is working with younger siblings, is gifted, or if you are using curriculum meant for younger grades, then they may be at greater risk of boredom. Homeschool co-ops and multi-age curricula are wonderful for homeschoolers much of the time, but parents still need to assess even wonderful tools. If something isn’t working, you need to find out what is wrong before you can fix it. As you are planning classes, I encourage you to consider this sanity saving checklist: 7 Point Sanity-Saving Checklist for Planning Your Homeschool Year.

The teen years are challenging because you are trying to raise adults, not children. It’s an awkward and strange time for a person to feel like an adult half the time and be immature the rest of the day. You want your child to have experiences in the world so they can learn to cope with the situations they will face as an adult. Without experiences as a teen, they will feel insecure as an adult. With the encouragement to become an adult, your child will also learn to act like an adult.

My sons each obtained a meaningful job at about 14 years old. This is one of the benefits of homeschooling. You have more flexibility to incorporate employment into your school day. We did school four days a week, allowing the fifth day for them to spend working. Is there something your child has been saying he wants to do? Can you find a situation or a mentor that can help?

Some parents have confessed that, while their child wanted to get a job, they couldn’t allow it because they didn’t have time. Without meaningful activities, teens may work on school more slowly because they are bored and frustrated. Avoiding unique opportunities can add to the problem. Therefore, one possible method to motivate teens might be searching for meaningful, real adult kind of work. Some parents work from home and start to include their children in the work activities. Others encourage work-related activities or seeking mentors.

The problem may have something to do with a child’s lack of specialization. Young people need something they are good at. They want to be known as "the kid who..." Adults ask each other, "Where do you work?" or “What do you do?” Children want their own thing so they can grow up. The problem is that young adults may not have much exposure to the world and haven't stumbled upon a special interest yet.

The solution to a lack of specialization is exposing children to a wide variety of experiences and subjects through a liberal arts education and plenty of time to do new things. I must confess that it can take a long time before something new clicks. Many people suggest speech and debate or political organizations as your child’s first attempt at something new. These activities give them an opportunity to speak their mind and argue (without arguing with their parents) and it can improve their sense of self.

Look carefully at lack of specialization as a possible cause. Parents often miss important clues about their child’s interests. One way to identify specialization is to pay attention to what annoys you. You can use your annoy-o-meter to recognize specialization that may be hidden below the surface. This article will help you learn more about Delight Directed Learning for Homeschool Students.

Give your child more input on their activities and involvements. Perhaps they should quit Boy Scouts – or not! Instead they may want to quit their sport club. Would your child prefer acting or computer programming instead of the activities you have encouraged?

When I had toddlers, I spent a lot of time thinking about natural consequences. I wanted to provide real world, cause and effect reasons for my children to behave. Using the same strategy, try to brainstorm ideas that will have a direct cause and effect result in your teenage children. The key to motivate teens is a simple if-then statement presented in a matter-of-fact way.

Effective suggestions:
If you text while driving then you are not mature enough to use my car.
If you are too tired to do school then you are too tired to have friends over.

Ineffective suggestions:
If you don’t do your work then Mom will throw a fit.
If you don’t sit down, then Dad will go ballistic.

When the problem rears its ugly head, sometimes there’s a sassy attitude or angry outbursts. Not always. Some teenagers remain pleasant and generally cooperative, but do everything in a uniquely slow-as-molasses way, with a seemingly complete lack of motivation. I believe this is the leading cause of hair loss in homeschool moms.

Plan ahead to deal with your slow-as-molasses teen with these 10 suggestions for dealing with dawdlers. Parents need to make sure to keep expectations reasonable and find balance between active and seated work. Teens need to get enough sleep, so they are alert for their homeschooling work. Developing your plan in priority order, with a backup plan, can help.

Each child works at a different speed. Even when working together on a subject or project, individuals do not work at the same pace. Some are goal-driven and eager to finish quickly. Others are perfectionists, methodically plodding to get it right the first time. Both are good characteristics, but only in moderation. As you work with slug-slow teens, you need to recognize the value of their personality characteristics, while shaping and molding their behavior so they don’t get lost in their personality quirks.

Teen motivation problems can occur even in wonderful children with great attitudes. My son was always pleasant and cooperative. I remember when he was a terrible two and didn't want to be in the shopping mall. He simply sat down and said, "No thank you, Mommy." He was so obedient and sweet as he politely refused; he was the same way at 14 years old. However, a teenager sweetly saying, "No thank you, Mommy" to a math lesson doesn't work as well. And at that age, they are too big for you to pick them up and remove them from the situation.

The problems you have faced (along with many others) may be better problems, or on a completely different plane, than the problems many other parents face. Knowing that your problems are good problems rather than bad problems will only help a little. At the core, it is still a problem that causes stress and anxiety. Knowing you have a good problem isn’t a solution, but perhaps it’s an encouragement.

Not all problems are high-quality problems. I’ve been around the block a few times, and I know not everything is perfect for homeschool families. Sometimes problems are huge and horrible. What younger parents may not realize is that teenagers can make their own decisions. When they act independently, sometimes they make enormous, horrendous decisions. Worse still, sometimes the consequences of their actions are life-altering.

Not all such problems are drug related, but that is a significant and growing issue. Before you face these problems, while your child is still young enough to listen to reason, consider including a health class unit study on pot. While legal in many states, marijuana does have serious negative consequences, especially for teens. A family friend, who works in the Washington State Attorney General's office, calls pot the "Great Teen Demotivator."

Act now, while your child is still living in your home and you can impact their choices. Seek counseling or outside resources if needed. You may find encouragement from Parenting Today's Teens with Mark Gregston. He offers some free resources, including regular podcasts and articles. His free book, Developing Rules & Consequences is a good starting place.

If you have progressed beyond a few bad choices and your teen is making ridiculously bizarre or unsafe decisions, place the blame squarely where it resides … with the teen. Then make a conscious decision to evaluate for common yet significant teenage issues. Evaluate for serious problems such as depression, drug or alcohol use, pornography, gambling, bullying, or gaming. We love our children and have worked hard to protect them, but we also live in the real world. Read the 59 warning signs of drug abuse that all parents need to know.

Homeschoolers aren’t immune from the culture and, like a communicable disease, we need to know the symptoms. Wishful thinking and effective fervent prayer can’t prevent independent-minded teens from making bad choices. They have the freedom to make their own decisions, no matter how bad those decisions may be.

Be aware that internet or digital addiction is like a new drug hazard for this generation. The free video series, Critical Technology Boundaries for Children and Teens includes a six-hour online workshop to help parents to understand tips and strategies for setting effective tech boundaries. The workshop includes three videos with handouts and audio downloads (so you can listen in the car). It is a new world for teens and technology, making parenting that much more challenging. Like brushing their teeth and eating vegetables, we need to instruct our children to make healthy choices with media, too. Read Technologic: How to Set Logical Technology Boundaries and Stop the Zombie Apocalypse.

As I've worked with thousands of homeschoolers, I've developed a checklist of reasons why homeschoolers may be lazy, lackadaisical, or unmotivated couch potatoes resistant to learning. Many times, teen motivation is negatively affected by technology. We used to be told that technology would increase student participation and learning outcomes but now we see the opposite is true. Technology can make it more difficult to read, retain, and remain engaged. As homeschoolers, we need to ensure we have balanced technology in home education.

But technology is not the only reason for a lack of motivation. Look over this list of 35 reasons why your teen might not be motivated. Open your eyes so you can see the unexpected. The cause could be a physical issue or medical problem. Your parenting could need tweaking or homeschool expectations need to be balanced. It could be one of the serious and life-threating causes that takes sometimes-stealthy discernment.

Remember that your homeschool goal is a general love of learning. You can't make your child love math or writing but you can help them not hate it. Don’t coddle them so they avoid their work but establish realistic expectations so they can retain their general love of learning.

Need more help? Check out the teen motivation section in my online resource, the High School Solution.